Monday, July 26, 2010

Slap the Ankle Bracelet Back On, Martha.

In 2004, Martha Stewart was convicted of lying to investigators with regards to insider trading. She served 5 months in prison. In 2010, Martha Stewart is convicted of lying to Sugar about having awesome “Classic Oatmeal Cookies”. Martha, you were wrong. You should wear the ankle bracelet and be on house arrest until you come up with a better recipe, because this one sucked.

The cookies were, indeed THAT BAD. This must be the recipe she hands out to avoid giving away her super awesome secret recipe. Martha, this cannot possibly be your recipe for real, I mean... you're MARTHA STEWART for God's sake.

Go with your gut…. , go with your first choice… all the advice that teachers from elementary school through college gave about multiple choice questions has been tossed out the window with this recipe. I owe an apology to each of my teachers for this. I had to make my cookies early this week as I’ll be on vacation Monday and I wasn’t putting off a good tan in the name of cookies (and crappy ones at that). I printed one of Guy Fieri’s recipes off for this week and loved the recipe. (Please make it, I’m sure it’s way better than this one).

However, I chose Martha’s recipe for three reasons:

  1. One would think Martha Stewart would sooner jump off the highest point of her Hamptons estate roof before publishing a mediocre recipe.
  2. I had all the ingredients for her recipe, and not Guy’s.
  3. I'm lazy, had to pack suitcases for me and Baby J, and this was quick.

The cookies were a little dry (more like chewing on raw oats and flour) and slightly bland. I’m hoping that by sitting in a Tupperware container in Salt's office over the weekend it will only help. I had the idea of experimenting and putting a test cookie in a Tupperware with a ghetto-shotglass of saltwater to see what happened and if the cookie improved. Salt will have to report the results of my saltwater cookie on Monday as I’ll be soaking myself in saltwater by then. A coworker suggested adding a slice of bread to the batch of cookies. I may have to give that a whirl, too, if I can locate a loaf of bread in the office.

Also – if you do for some reason test Martha’s recipe, use regular raisins. Another gut feeling I should have gone with. Golden raisins may have further ruined these cookies and I highly recommend staying away from any food products which use the word "golden." Ick.

So, that being, said. I give myself a 2.25 Yum rating this week. I may as well hand Salt the golden spatula now and begin researching what I want to make for next week. Double Ick.

(Photo Courtesy of Martha Stewart OMNIMEDIA)
OMNIMEDIA - That's just rubbing it in your face that she's got some evil plot to take over the world. More on my developing conspiracy theory with Martha Stewart later...

Martha Stewart’s Mediocre Classic Oatmeal Cookies

Yield: About 3 Dozen


1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature

1 cup packed light-brown sugar

1 cup granulated sugar

2 large eggs, room temperature

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

3 cups old-fashioned rolled oats

1 cup all-purpose flour

1/2 cup wheat germ

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1.5 cups golden raisins


  1. Heat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment paper; set aside.
  2. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, cream butter and both sugars on medium speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add eggs; mix on high speed to combine. Mix in vanilla; set aside.
  3. Combine oats, flour, wheat germ, baking soda, and baking powder in a large bowl. Stir to combine. Add the flour mixture to to the butter mixture, and beat on low speed to combine, 10 to 15 seconds. Remove bowl from mixer, and stir in raisins.
  4. Using a large metal scoop, drop dough onto prepared sheets, about 2 inches apart. Bake until golden and just set, about 18 minutes. Transfer sheets to wire rack to cool.

(Copyright 2010 Martha Stewart Living OMNIMEDIA, Inc.)


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